Last Waifu Standing [fan fiction]: Am I the Uke?

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Scene: Afternoon, still at my home. The next set of challengers await my decisions. I must tell these waifus that I can’t love them by exploiting their weaknesses. A significantly smaller group of them, but much tougher to handle, have arrived.

(Enter Scott, Sakurako, Ayaka, Darzana, Mauve, and Yona)

Scott: All right. I give up. What do you want with me, Sakurako?

Sakurako Kujō: What, you don’t know? And here I thought you were a greater thinker than that. Why else would you think I’d give you the time of day?

Scott: How should I know? It’s not like we really talk to each other. You’re always so aloof around normal people!

Sakurako: You’re one to talk! You don’t like “normal” people either! But you care about them too, don’t you? So why can’t you do the same for me?

Scott: Okay then! What is it?

Sakurako: (gestures to the other women around him) You want to get to know me better? Get rid of them first. I’m tired of being around too many people as it is.

Scott: Sakurako? They can kind of hear you. (Enter Nanana, standing behind Sakurako)

Nanana Ryūgajō: Oh, her? She’s hardly even a threat to me. It’s not like she can see me or anything!

Scott: Are you for real? You’re practically scarfing down pudding in front of everyone!

Sakurako: Pudding? Who’s eating my pudding? I just put a case of them in your fridge a couple of hours ago! (Nanana grins, still out Sakurako’s view) Never mind. I’ll have to take a look myself. (Exit Sakurako, muttering under her breath about her brand pudding)

Scott: Nanana, we really need to talk about your obsession with pudding.

Mauve: Who are you talking to? (Scott looks around, noticing that Nanana has disappeared)

Scott: What? You can’t see her either? (sigh) I never should have declared a ghost for a waifu.

Mauve: You’re really strange, you know that?

Scott: Yeah, I get that a lot. Anyway, why are you here?

Mauve: Oh, no reason. Apparently you said that I was your favorite character from ACCA, so I was summoned here to be your waifu.

Scott: Summoned? By whom?

Mauve: That doesn’t matter. Not sure how I would be considered your waifu though, seeing how you don’t seem attracted to me at all.

Scott: Well… I may have tweaked the definition a little bit to include the most fascinating characters from a given series, or most relatable.

Mauve: Well not all of them are here either. That seems rather inconsistent, coming from you.

Scott: Maybe. But I figured you and I were intelligent enough to be level-headed in tricky situations, so it seemed to fit. Humans are complex, don’t you think?

Mauve: Yes, but why a waifu?

Scott: (defeated) Mostly to give these posts some extra flavor.

Mauve: Okay, then why weren’t any of your magical girls invited? Surely one of them has done something that was fascinating to you.

Scott: Yeah, but I didn’t single any one of them out in my reviews.

Mauve: You sure about that? Perhaps I should expose your notes on how cute you thought Nanako was from Wish Upon the Pleiades.

(meanwhile, somewhere far away. Enter Nanako, Hikaru, Itsuki, Aoi (Pleiades), Subaru, and Pleiadian)

Nanako: (sneezes) I feel something.

Hikaru: Huh? What’s gotten into you, Nanako?

Nanako: I don’t know. (blushes)

Itsuki: Uh oh. Are you feeling sick?

Aoi: Maybe she’s been working too hard on getting those fragments.

Nanako: It’s not that…

Subaru: Please tell us, Nanako. We want to help! (Nanako cowers)

Pleiadian: (speaks through Nanako) I know! She’s in love!

ALL: EEEEEHH!!?? (Nanako squishes Pleiadian)

Nanako: No! That’s definitely not it!

Subaru: Well, then what was it?

Nanako: (pauses) A sign of friendship. From a fan who loved us in his darkest hour. It makes me po-warm.

(Exit Nanako, Hikaru, Itsuki, Aoi, Subaru, and Pleiadian. Back at my home)

Scott: You wouldn’t dare! My audience doesn’t have to know that she was my favorite girl for her fashion sense, knowledge of other languages, quiet nature, and openness to an existential– oh I see where this is going.

Mauve: (smiles) Looks like you exposed yourself for me. That makes me po-warm.

Scott: What do you want from me, Mauve?

Mauve: Oh, nothing. I just want to know why you thought I was the most interesting character in ACCA

Scott: (grumbles) Okay look, I just think it’s uncommon to have a character like you in a series full of mystery and corruption who can be so disinterested enough to find a unique solution and follow through with it. Clearly you should have been the main character!

Mauve: I see. So does that make me your waifu?

Scott: Well, no.

Mauve: That’s all I needed to hear. Thanks for clearing that up. I’ll be leaving now. Got an agency to manage, you know.

Scott: Indeed. (Exit Mauve, taking a bow before she leaves. Yona passes by her and takes a glance)

Yona: Wow. She’s so pretty. Does she really have that much power in her series?

Scott: She practically runs an entire nation.

Yona: Are you serious? I need to talk to her about understanding mine.

Scott: Yeah. Please do that–

Yona: (grabs Scott’s arm and stares with glowing red eyes) Not so fast. You said you only wanted to be my servant in your review, and yet I’m here. Why is that?

Scott: Oh come on. That was a joke for my readers to think that I was declaring you as a waifu! Obviously I didn’t say it explicitly.

Yona: You didn’t say it, but you implied it! And that’s what makes me so mad!

Scott: Oh come on. I still love you though.

Yona: Why!? For a guy who likes shōjo anime so much, why can’t you be more up front about it? Do heroines scare you that much? Or do you secretly love the guys more? I want to know the truth! What do you like about me?

Scott: Well… uhm… I like your hair, and how it gradually changed over the course of your anime series to the iconic short hair it is now.

Yona: And?

Scott: I like your openness to see your nation for what it is, as opposed to what your father and the rest of the palace told you how it is.

Yona: And?

Scott: I genuinely think you have what it takes to follow your own path in life.

Yona: (pause) And?

Scott: Okay, I can’t keep doing this. I just think of you as a blooming heroine who has learned to be strong for her friends, by facing challenges that she has never encountered in her first sixteen years of life.

Yona: Better. So I’m definitely not your waifu.

Scott: Of course not. Besides, I think Jaeha makes a better waifu than– oh no. (Enter Jaeha)

Jaeha: Aha! I win the bet, Yona! He’s more attracted to me than you! Woohoo!! (Jaeha dances around gleefully)

Yona: Wha- what? No way! I thought you were into Hak!

Scott: Uh… Yona? Are you… a BL fan? (Yona blushes)

Jaeha: Well, Scott has spoken! I’m the best waifu after all!

Scott: No. The answer’s still no. I admire you because you’re flamboyantly confident, even when you’re joking! It’s more like that’s the kind of person I would aspire to be. I’m not attracted to you.

Jaeha: Oh. I guess that is different. Oh well. Yona, let’s go. Yona?

Yona: (turned completely red) You… You want to be like Jaeha? (Yona passes out from over-excitement. Jaeha picks her up and carries her on his back)

Jaeha: You do you, alright Scott? Take care. (Winks. Exit Jaeha and Yona, with a sly grin)

Scott: Ugh… what have I gotten myself into?

Darzana Magbaredge: Is that really how you treat a princess like her? You really are hopeless.

Scott: Well I have to be honest. That’s exactly what I thought of her! Girls really like to hear the truth, even if that means you think they’re unattractive.

Darzana: (stares at Scott in disgust) Shall I tell you why you can’t get a date? (Scott gulps) You can’t be so up front and open with a girl who hasn’t gained your trust. You have to ease your way into befriending her first. Save the goofiness and honesty for later. That way she won’t even notice that she’s thinking about you when you’re not around. The way you do it, she wants to distance herself from you, right from the start!

Scott: And why should I take dating advice from you?

Darzana: Aren’t you the one who tried to ask me out? In the middle of a war with the Versian Empire!?

Scott: I cannot confirm or deny that.

Darzana: Honestly, you and Mizusaki need to talk to each other one of these days. You two have so much in common it makes me want to throw up. (Enter Kaoru)

Kaoru Mizusaki: Captain, just what do you mean by that?

Darzana: What, do I have to spell out everything for you? Figure it out yourself! (Exit Darzana, frustrated)

Kaoru: So… uhm… how about we–

Scott: Save it. You and I both know we have no interest in each other.

Kaoru: Yeah, you’re right. (Exit Kaoru, going about her business as usual)

Ayaka Kagari: Hey. You seem tired.

Scott: Exhausted. What do you need?

Ayaka: Nothing really. I was going to collect your white stuff, but… it seems to be in low supply.

Scott: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m not loaded like Honoka.

Ayaka: (grabs Scott by the waist, pressing her chest against his) How about I replenish it for you?

Scott: Uhm… Ayaka…

Ayaka: Oh. I almost forgot. (puts glasses on) You like girls with glasses, don’t you?

Scott: Well…

Ayaka: When I’m through with you, you’ll have plenty of white stuff to go around.

Scott: Th-th-this seems rather inappropriate. Aren’t you supposed to be– (Enter Sakurako, with a case of empty pudding containers)

Sakurako: Oh, enough with the sexual innuendos! I have to talk to Scott now!

Ayaka: Oh. Pardon my intrusion (Ayaka backs away from Scott and bows to Sakurako). He’s not the one I’m looking for after all. (Exit Ayaka, nonchalantly)

Scott: Wha– what just happened?

Sakurako: (slams the case of empty pudding containers on the desk) You ate these, didn’t you? You know they’re my favorite!

Scott: What? That doesn’t make sense! I was here the whole time. I keep telling you it was Nanana!

Sakurako: Nanana?

Scott: The ghost girl! She loves pudding. Although I’m not sure why she would like your favorite brand. (Nanana reappears from hiding, still out of sight of Sakurako)

Nanana: Hey Scott. You ran out of pudding again. Go out and buy more, would ya? And could you get the brown sugar kind this time? These didn’t taste very good.

Sakurako: (clearly did not hear Nanana at all) A ghost girl? Listen, Scott. There is no such thing as ghosts, magic, or the supernatural. But you know what does exist? (pushes Scott back into his chair, poking at his chest with her index finger) The truth of cold, hard, irrefutable science!

Scott: Damn it. Nanana, if you can prove to Sakurako that you’re here, please just do it now!

Nanana: Okay. But I can only do it if you get me the right pudding next time.

Scott: Okay, fine.

Sakurako: Who are you talking to? No one else is here!

Nanana: Promise?

Scott: Ugh! Are you both for real right now? (reaches for his laptop and types desperately away, to summon another girl) Sūko, help me out here! (Enter Sūko)

Sūko: Piss off, Scott! You don’t respect me as a blogger, or a woman! You haven’t returned any of my messages!

Scott: Oh come on! I’ve been busy!

Sūko: You heartbreaker! And here I thought I was starting to like you!

Scott: (surprised) What? (Enter Margay)

Margay: Hey Scott! I finally found you. It was really hard to get here and finally meet an idol fan like me.

Scott: Yeah… about that.

Margay: Say, what do you think of PPP? Who’s your favorite penguin?

Sūko: PPP? They haven’t been that great since the second generation. Who still listens to that crap?

Margay: (gasps in horror) How dare you say that about my beloved PPP!

Sakurako: Hey! Don’t ignore me!

Nanana: Scott, aren’t you getting my pudding? I’m waiting. (The four remaining girls bicker on, as Scott’s frustration escalates)

Scott: Everyone, STOP! (everyone seems to calm down) Sakurako, I’m sorry I can’t get rid of all these women in my life and have that meaningful conversation with just you about philosophy and bones and whatnot.

Sakurako: (smacks her lips) That figures.

Scott: Nanana, I love your smile, but I can’t stand it when you eat so much.

Nanana: Oh. That’s cool, I guess.

Scott: Margay, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m not really a huge idol fan.

Margay: What? Well that’s disappointing.

Scott: Yeah. I only got interested in some of them after seeing the preciousness of Locodol.

Sūko: You mean that show about the Nagarekawa Girls? Eh. I guess they were okay.

(meanwhile somewhere far away, again. Enter Nanyako and Yukari)

Nanyako Usami: (sneezes)

Yukari Kohinata: Uh oh. Did you catch a cold?

Nanyako: What? N-n-no, it’s not that! Honest!

Yukari: Hmm? Oh, I get it.

Nanyako: What is it!

Yukari: (grins) You know what they say. When you sneeze, it means that someone else in the world is talking about you.

Nanyako: Whaaa? Who could be talking about me!

Yukari: Who knows? We do have fans from outside Nagarekawa now.

Nanyako: Ooh, that’s right! I wonder what they’re saying about me! What do you think, Yukari?

Yukari: Hmm… Maybe they’re just commenting about that cute swimsuit you wore, Nanyako.

Nanyako: D’oh… I told you not to call me that! (Exit Nanyako, pouting, and Yukari, laughing. Back at my home)

Scott: And I only started following Miss Monochrome recently.

ALL: Miss Monochrome? (Enter Miss Monochrome)

Miss Monochrome: Hello. Everyone. My name is. Miss Monochrome.

Scott: Ugh… not now.

Sakurako: Wait. How did you just…

Scott: Sakurako, this is Miss Monochrome. She’s an android/holographic ageless idol that runs on a single AA battery. Nothing weird about that.

Miss Monochrome: Pleased to meet you. (Monochrome and Sakurako shake hands. Sakurako appears to be amazed)

Sakurako: Wait. She’s… she’s both an android, and holographic? How can she interact with us then? How am I able to touch her? That makes no sense.

Margay: (shrugs) Anime. It doesn’t have to make sense.

Sūko: Ugh! Miss Monochrome is such trash!

Sakurako: (turns to Margay) And wait, are you even human?

Margay: Human? Me? No way! I’m a cat!

Sakurako: A cat? I’ve never seen a specimen like you before. Fascinating.

Scott: Don’t even think about studying her bones right now.

Sakurako: That’s enough out of you! You know I only study the bones of the dead. (turns to everyone) Well, it seems I’ve had an encounter with two strange things today.

Scott: Wait. You believe in an android/hologram and a human-like cat, but you don’t believe in ghosts?

Sakurako: I never said I believe any of this, but I am curious. I’ll have to do more research on it. I’ll be taking my leave then. And by they way, you still owe me for that pudding. (Exit Sakurako, indifferently)

Scott: Whatever.

Margay: Well this was a rather disappointing trip. But… wow! I get to meet the real Miss Monochrome! In person!

Miss Monochrome: It’s nice to meet you too. Tell me. Where can I go next? I must defeat Kikuko for the title of super idol.

Margay: Ohoho! I have a brilliant idea! How about you come with me and collaborate with PPP?

Sūko: WHY!! (Exit Miss Monochrome and Margay, conversing about their plans. Nanana tries to get closer to Scott, about to cover his eyes from behind.)

Scott: Nanana. I need you to leave the two of us alone for a bit.

Nanana: But why? You know you’re the only one who can see me.

Sūko: (faces Nanana) Correction, Jūgo Yama is the only one who can see you. But everyone else can see your actions when you play video games or beat someone up. Honestly. This fan fiction has so many continuity errors, I don’t know why I even bother.

Nanana: Really? So then why doesn’t that Sakurako lady believe in me?

Scott: It’s not that she doesn’t believe in you. It’s that she won’t. Any mention of the supernatural brings back terrible memories for her.

Nanana: Wow. You really know a lot about her. You must have fallen for her really hard!

Scott: Yeah. I did. I really thought we could understand each other a lot more. (pauses, as he contemplates why continues to hurt those he loves) Well, not that it matters now. Sakurako is taking an indefinite time out from me. I don’t think she’ll be coming back.

Nanana: I’m sorry, Scott. You know I just wanted to have some fun with her. She seems like she could have enjoyed a good mystery once in awhile.

Scott: You’re exactly right, Nanana. It’s a shame, because I really thought you two could really get along. Help each other out, you know? She, coping with the loss of her little brother, and you, in the search of your murderer.

Nanana: Wow. You really were thinking about us this entire time, weren’t you?

Scott: I was. But I guess… that’s just wishful thinking on my part, how I see your narratives string together. Sometimes I get a little too creative.

Sūko: . . .

Nanana: Well, I’d better leave you two alone then. I want you to at least have one proper closure in this chapter.

Scott: Yeah yeah. Can you get out of here now? (Exit Nanana, with a big smile)

Scott: (turns to Sūko) Look, I’m sorry that I–

Sūko: I don’t like you that way. (Scott glances at her, puzzled) I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I thought, after reading your review about me, that… maybe I should give you a chance. Maybe I could step outside of my blogging world, gather more information about anime, and possibly meet you one day. Get to know you a little more, you know? I’m not very good at meeting people face-to-face either. It scares me.

Scott: Sūko–

Sūko: Tell me, Scott. Your complete honesty. What did you really think of me and Million Doll? Go ahead. I know how poor the reviews were for it.

Scott: Well… It wasn’t very good. It had poor animation quality. It was too short, and I didn’t really like the idols all that much. But… it also seemed very real to me. (Sūko appears to be shaken) Hell, it probably felt more real to me than the news I see about real celebrities and idols in my world! I felt like the series was a metaphor for new, struggling idols, trying to earn their fans’ affections from the ground up. Sure, I wish it could have been better, to match the quality of the manga that has done pretty well since–

Sūko: You haven’t read it.

Scott: No, I did not. But… it made me appreciate the idol world and its fans a lot more. That I had something in common with them. But most of all, it got me invested in the true underdog who is all too beautiful to take the limelight for herself: you. (Sūko perks up) Of all the things I could have loved about the series, I was intrigued by you the most, because I’m just like you. Someone who found his voice through blogging, yet felt a need to get out more and meet real people. To care about others. To meet that special someone. (chuckles) I can’t believe I’m really saying this to a fictional character, but Sūko, I’m in love with you. (Sūko’s eyes widen with surprise, but then return to a subtle, vulnerable gaze)

Sūko: I… I’m not sure what to say. I’m really happy to have finally met you, even if it was through a plot hole without explanation. But… I’m sorry. I can’t return your feelings. I’m glad that you’re so up front with me, but I– I don’t think I can do the same. I love my idols so much more, and what they have done to inspire me to get out there. No simple blogger can ever do that for me. I hope you understand. (Scott bites his lip to ease the pain out of the rejection, but smiles anyway)

Scott: Of course I do. You have your idols. I have my anime. That’s one place where we can’t compromise. I thank you for giving me a reason to like what I do as a blogger, to do our best to support the underdog. It’s unfortunate that it would be impossible for us to ever meet outside of the imagination, but can we at least be friends?

Sūko: Hmm… subscribe to my blog and listen to my favorite idols once in awhile, and I’ll consider it. I have a purpose for blogging too, you know. And I have way more influence than you.

Scott: Well, you got me there.

Sūko: (smiles) I’m happy for you, Scott. You’re a lot braver than you think when it comes to talking to women. Can’t wait to see what you can do in the next chapter. I’m sure it’ll make your fans squee.

Scott: Yeah, I know. I’m writing the script, after all.

Sūko: (adjusts her glasses) Well. I’ll be off then. And Scott. Whoever you choose for your best waifu, hold her close. Let her know how you really feel, and never let her go. She’s got a lot of competition to contend with, boys and girls alike.

Scott: Don’t remind me.

Sūko: Well. See ya later! (Exit Sūko, smiling)

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