Scene: my home. I am sitting at a desk, hashing out stuff on my laptop. Enter Scott (me).
Scott: Okay! That’s one more review down. Hmm… Now what should I make for lunch?
(Laptop glows with sparks coming out of the keyboard. I back away, wondering what I did wrong this time. Suddenly, I am surrounded by anime girls whom I have talked about on this blog. Enter ALL)
Scott: What the Hell’s going on?
Kiriha Kurano: Hello, Scott. We’ve missed you.
Mega Drive: We see you. We read your posts. You say you love us.
Sakurako Kujō: But that isn’t so. Is it?
Scott: Okay, seriously. What’s this about, ladies?
Kiriha: We want to know the truth. Who do you think is the best?
Sakurako: Who is the one you want to be with?
Kaon Lanchester: Be honest with us.
ALL: Who is your best waifu? (All the girls stare intently at Scott, as an awkward silence fills the air)
Scott: Oh. That’s it? Well that’s easy, it’s–
Kaon: (slams her hand on the desk) No! Look how many of us there are. How many of us you have moved with your words of affection. Words that we may not have gotten in our respective shows!
Scott: Don’t you get married at the end of your–
Kaon: Shut up! You can’t just declare your favorite girls and leave them that easily! You have to tell us directly! Straight from the heart! You can do that, right?
Aoi Miyamori: (puts her hand on Scott’s shoulder and motions Kaon to step back) No worries. All you have to do is take a look at each one of us and say “yes” or “no.” That way we’ll know if your feelings for us are genuine. Then we’ll know what to say to you once you have made your confession.
Scott: Oh, okay. In other words, I have to play by all of your weaknesses and systematically eliminate each one of you until there’s only one left. All right. I accept.
Aoi: Yeah! Wait, what did you say?
Scott: By the way, why are you here, Aoi? I don’t remember ever declaring you a waifu.
Aoi: Oh. Well, you see, there was that one time you saw me at Anime Expo. And then I noticed that you had my picture as a wallpaper on your phone. It made me… really happy.
Scott: Yeah. I’ll bet.
Aoi: Say… (nervously bites her lip) after all this is over, and you chose which one of us is the best… do you think we can celebrate over drinks?
Scott: Sure. Sounds like a plan. By the way, Aoi. (Aoi tilts her head in confusion) Don’t you have an anime to work on right now?
Aoi: Eh? EEEEEHHH!?
Scott: (aside) And that’s one down. (Exit Aoi, flustered)
Meiko Otsuka: (softly) Uhm… Excuse me.
Scott: What is it?
Meiko: I… uh… I have a test that I have to study for. I can’t pass without getting help from friends. So I was wondering. (accentuates her lips) Could you…
Scott: You have a test? Well then you’d better go and study for it and not waste time here!
Meiko: Oh. Guess I’ll have to look elsewhere… (Exit Meiko, disappointed)
Kameko: Hey, Scott. I just wanted to let you know… that you made me really happy when you said I was your favorite girl from Denki-gai.
Scott: Aw. No problem.
Kameko: Yeah. Ever since Kantoku started paying attention to Tsumorin and then Hio-tan, I’ve been drifting further and further away from him. It’s nice to know that someone else likes me for who I am.
Scott: Well of course I do. (pats Kameko on the head, then removes her hat. Kameko’s big hair is revealed) But you do know that I like you better this way, right?
Kameko: (flustered as she tries to pat her hair down) Wha– Wha– Why would you do this to me!? Stupid Scott!! (Exit Kameko, crying)
Hibiki Hagyū: Heh Heh Heh! Fear not, my fellow maidens! I, Hibiki, volunteer as tribute to be Scott’s Number One Waifu–
Scott: Hibiki, nobody cares about you. Not even in your own series.
Hibiki Hagyū: (shocked) Ah!
Hibiki Amami: Waaaaaaahh!!
Scott: No, no. I didn’t mean you. (Hibiki Amami continues to cry. Exit Hibiki Hagyū, still in disbelief) Look, you’re sweet. Probably the sweetest girl in your series. I will like you no matter what.
Hibiki Amami: (stops crying and smiles) Oh. That’s a relief.
Scott: By the way, why are you here? I don’t remember declaring you as a waifu either.
Hibiki Amami: Oh, I’m here to let you know that there’s some ghost girl raiding your refrigerator right now.
Scott: A ghost girl? Who is she?
Hibiki Amami: Ah… you’ll find out in the next chapter.
Scott: (aside) Ugh. Fourth wall jokes. Who put that in my fanfic? (Exit Hibiki Amami, prancing happily)
Ito Hikiotani: (tugs on the back of Scott’s shirt) Hey, Mister. I… I really like that you listen to my problems. I wasn’t sure anyone would ever want to hear what I had to say.
Scott: Oh. No problem, Ito.
Ito: Say, I heard you’re going to become a teacher soon. I fell in love with a teacher once. Turns out he was really just targeting my best friend for some top secret experiment.
Scott: Yeah. That sucks.
Ito: Mister, I… I hope you won’t do that to your students. Take advantage of them, that is. They will trust you, you know.
Scott: Yeah. I’m sure they will. Of course I wouldn’t take advantage of them.
Ito: Okay. (pause in awkward silence) Well, I have to get back to studying now. I went back to school, you know.
Scott: Good. (Exit Ito, with a warm smile) I’m glad to hear that you turned out okay yourself.
Ritsu Kawai: (nonchalantly) Hey Scott. You forgot to take out the trash in front of your doorway again.
Scott: Oh, right. Sorry about that.
Ritsu: By the way. Did you ever finish that book I recommended to you? You know, the one about the murder mystery where it turns out that the killer was actually the narrator all along? Such a good read.
Scott: Uhm… sure. Actually, I’m not really into murder mysteries right now.
Ritsu: (somewhat miffed) You’re not?
Scott: Yeah. I read philosophical essays in my spare time. In fact, I’m reading one about the difference between the arrogant and loving gaze right now. Speaking of which, you know I’ve always loved that loving gaze of yours, right? (Ritsu’s eyes shine as they tear up. She’s about to cry, but then turns around)
Ritsu: Hmph! You have such an arrogant gaze! (Exit Ritsu, pouting)
Scott: Yeah, whatever. (notices that a girl is sitting on the couch, with her arms crossed) And why are you here?
Kazuki Ferrari: You tell me. You’re the one who thinks I’m such a good character.
Scott: Well yeah, because you’re a middle child. Just like me. We have to look out for each other, you know.
Kazuki: Oh. Well thank you.
Scott: Yeah, and I felt like I really got to know you after that shower scene. Your strength really shone through your vulnerability.
Kazuki: You saw me in the shower!?
Scott: Wait! That’s not what I meant!
Kazuki: (covers chest) You saw everything, didn’t you!
Scott: What? No! I didn’t watch the uncensored version. Besides, it’s not like there’s anything to see anyway.
Kazuki: (slaps Scott in the face) All you boys are alike! Now I’m never getting married! (Exit Kazuki, angrily)
Kiriha: (grabs Scott’s shoulders from behind and presses her chest against his back) Speaking of marriage, you know my tribe still wants me to settle down.
Scott: Right, but I thought you were interested in Kotarō. Isn’t he the one you’re supposed to marry?
Kiriha: Ugh! Why does everyone keep saying that? He’s got, like, five other girls!
Scott: Yeah, well look how many you have to put up with around me!
Kiriha: You know what? Fine. I’m through with you. Kotarō may be stupid, but at least he knows how to treat a girl right!
Chinatsu Nishio: What? You like Kotarō too? I know. He’s so cute, right?
Kiriha: I guess. But sometimes he just can’t make up his mind.
Chinatsu: I know, right?
Scott: Girls! Not. The same. Kotarō! (girls nod together. Exit Kiriha, snickering) And Chinatsu, why are you here?
Chinatsu: Oh. Your alter ego invited me. She’s really cute.
Scott: Oh. I almost forgot about her. She told me off that one time, just for you.
Chinatsu: Yeah, she got you good!
Scott: (sigh) I know.
Chinatsu: Yep. I turned her down though. That gnome warlock of yours is really fierce! No wonder real girls think you’re so weird!
Scott: Hey! Leave my real life out of this! (Exit Chinatsu, laughing. Scott turns toward his desk, and notices that Mega Drive using the laptop) And what do you think you’re doing?
Mega Drive: Well I thought you were really busy turning down all the other girls, so I figured I’d go ahead and look up the best possible way to beat them. I’ve been browsing through your notes, your personal data, to analyze who would be your ideal girlfriend.
Scott: Oh great.
Mega Drive: Based on what I have so far, it looks like most of your girls have short hair, are natural brunettes, intelligent, either energetic, cool-headed or both, and average to age 18.
Scott: 18? Why so young?
Mega Drive: Probably because most anime girls are teenagers. 16.5 is a popular age for the most ideal girl.
Scott: People still say that? (Chinatsu laughs loudly in the background) This is such a niche community!
Mega Drive: (wails) I’m never going to win this contest with those specs! Based on the results, the perfect girl for you is Kirishima!
Scott: (in fear) Oh no. (Enter Kirishima)
Kirishima: Yes! Finally! Someone out there thinks I’m better than all the other fleet girls. I don’t have to hide behind the shadows of my “perfect” big sister and take the supporting role!
Kirishima: Tell me, Admiral. What would you like me to do today? I’ll do anything!
Scott: I don’t want–
Kirishima: What’s that? You want me to be your flagship? Crush all your enemies? (winks) Have a private meeting with me below deck?
Scott: Ugh! I don’t even like KanColle!
Kirishima: (angrily) What.
Scott: The show was so gimmicky, and it relied too much on knowledge of the game that I don’t even play, not to mention all the trivial details about every ship. Besides, Fubuki was a much more developed character than you! (Enter Fubuki) Wait, no!
Fubuki: Yes! Finally, someone recognizes me as the best flag ship on the open seas! I will do my best for you, Sir–
Scott: Yeah, I don’t feel that way about you either. (Fubuki and Kirishima’s jaws drop) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got other girls I have to disappoint. (Pause. Fubuki and Kirishima turn around and walk away)
Fubuki: Well, forget him. I guess he really isn’t that great after all.
Kirishima: Yeah. He probably still dresses up like that “captain” from that other dumb anime about fleet ship girls… (Exit Kirishima and Fubuki, rolling their eyes)
Scott: (Sighs, then turns his attention back to Mega Drive) Look, you don’t have to match all of my preferences perfectly to be my waifu. You just have to be yourself and play by your quirks. That’s what I love about each of you the most.
Mega Drive: What? That’s it? That’s your secret?
Scott: Well yeah. I thought it was obvious.
Mega Drive: (sobs) And here I was, trying to get the upper hand, because I knew. I knew I wasn’t going to win!
Scott: (pats her on the shoulder) It’s alright, Mega Drive. I know it’s hard to understand people too. (Mega Drive reaches out for a hug and cries. I oblige and hug her in return) And also, I’m really not into anyone under 18.
Mega Drive: But I–
Scott: I’m sorry. Real people think I’m creepy if I ever cross that line. They don’t understand that this is a fictional universe, and I would never do such a thing in reality.
Mega Drive: I’M AS OLD AS YOU! IT’S NOT MY FAULT I WAS RENDERED THIS WAY!! YOU REALLY ARE STUPID!!! (Exits, crying)
Hisa Takei: Wow. She did not want to stick around. Oh well. Her loss, I guess.
Scott: Yeah… you know you don’t have a chance either, right?
Hisa: Oh come on. I’m 18 years old. I’m old enough for you.
Scott: Yeah, but you’re still in high school.
Hisa: Details, details. I’ll still beat you every time we play Mahjong.
Scott: You got me there. Speaking of which, what are you doing here? I never claimed a waifu from any of my Saki reviews.
Hisa: Yeah… but you did choose me as your favorite character from Saki. That makes me the best. Your favorite waifu.
Scott: What!? That was years ago! People still read that?
Hisa: As long as it’s there, someone will find it. But no worries. I’ll wait as long as I can until you come back to me. (winks)
Scott: Right. The answer’s still no.
Hisa: Yeah, I know. I just like to get you riled up. Make you think about me.
Scott: (utterly dumbfounded) Why?
Hisa: Hey, I gotta meet up with Mihoko for a hot date. Bye now! (Exit Hisa, giggling)
Scott: What the– we still haven’t finished our game! Sigh… Well I think it’s almost over.
Hajime Shinoda: (comes at Scott from behind and gives him a big hug) Hey Scott! There’s a new episode of New Game that just came out! Wanna watch it with me?
Scott: You know what? That actually sounds like a great idea! I’ll join you. Then after that, we can go out to dinner or something.
Scott: Yeah. I really want to get to know you better.
Hajime: Wow. No one’s ever said that to me before. You really… like me?
Scott: (gulps) Yeah.
Hajime: Yes! Let’s go! I need a break from all this work anyway! Then we can go for a jog, play with the kids at the park, have a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant…
(1 episode of New Game later)
Scott: Yeah. Kaon, can you carry Hajime home? It seems she’s had enough for today. (Hajime is passed out on the couch, drooling)
Kaon: Ugh! Fine. That’s all I’m ever good for, isn’t it? You just admire me for my strength, just like everyone else!
Scott: No, I admire you for being such a good friend to a guy who never even notices you, because he’s so enraptured in something else!
Kaon: (genuinely surprised) What?
Scott: Yeah. Believe it or not, I’m really careful when I choose my waifus. I see all your strengths. Your flaws. The way you interact with everyone else. I feel like I can smile when you smile. And cry when you cry. Kaon, you’re better than any other girl in Comet Lucifer for more than just your strength. You’re better than them because you open up your heart. Let them know how you feel. And you prove to them that you would never let anyone stand in your way when you’re on a mission of love! Kaon, you’re such a good friend, Sōgo wishes he deserved you! But you already know that he’s not worth it. And you know what else? I don’t deserve you either. So I’m sorry. The answer’s No.
Kaon: (sobs) I don’t understand. Why would you say that?
Scott: Kaon, there’s someone else who loves you more than anything right now. He’s at home in your universe, waiting for you to come back. You don’t have to waste your time on me anymore, okay? (Kaon nods. Scott pats her on the shoulder) You’re strong. But you’re also kind. Those are what make you stand out. To me, and your fans. We will always love you.
Kaon: (smiles, in tears) I’ve wanted to hear that for so long. It’s sad that so many fans have forgotten about me and the anime I came from, but… for some reason, you didn’t. So thank you.
Scott: Of course I wouldn’t forget. Comet Lucifer… Comet Lucifer keeps reminding me why I love being an anime critic.
Kaon: (smiles) Okay. I’ll let you go, then. Prepare yourself for the next challenge, Scott. Your waifus are all rooting for you. (Kaon picks up Hajime, still passed out, and carries her on her back. Exit Kaon with Hajime, head held high. Scott sits back at his desk, and takes a sigh of relief)
Scott: I think that’s enough excitement for me for one day.
Sakurako: (leans over and pushes Scott aside, forcing him to look at her in the eye) Oh no, Scott. We’re not done with you yet. You’re still far from reaching the climax.
(A smaller, but more intimidating group of mature anime women stare back at him, as he attempts to wrap up this post. Until next time…)